Originator: Invader Stick
PAK Code: 061<scrambled>42
Subject: Filthy “Romances”
To the Mighty Irken Armada and any “hyuuumans” that may be viewing this transmission (wait a second, hyuuumans aren’t supposed to be in this network…GET OUT!):
At the behest of the Almighty Tallest, I, Invader Stick, have been commissioned to write about various PUNY issues and topics that may be of interest to the Glorious Irken Armada as punishment for the “Galley Filthening Incident” that occurred aboard the Massive. I am not proud of what I did, and I deeply apologize to those who were affected by it. The Tallest have shown great mercy in assigning me this completely awesome and not at all demeaning task instead of sending me to the bowels of Planet Dirt to battle the giant “Dust Monkey Robot Monster” that has recently taken up residence there. Praise be to The Almighty Tallest!
Recently, there have been some rumblings amongst you about the possibilities of what the “hyuuumans” call “romance.” Such a word is foreign and itchy to the majestic Irken Culture, and this word has no doubt caused all of you to roll around in a pile of radioactive Forgon excrement that has mutated the brainworms already infesting your pathetic head cavities. If this is indeed the case, I urge those of you affected to get the worms removed promptly, perhaps by jettisoning yourselves into the nearest star so as to prevent contaminating the rest of us.
Some of the most disturbing rumors have concerned a romance between the hyuuuman female known as “Gaz” and the Irken “Invader” known as Zim. Let me assure you all that no such romance would EVER occur; we Irkens have no need for “affection,” unless of course by “affection” you mean “Wanton destruction and terror.” The very notion that an Irken, even one as loathsome and idiotic as ZIM, would ever give a PUNY hyuuuman a box of filthy chocolates or hold hands with them without full-body protection so as not to contract “cootees,” is simply INSANE. Those of you suggesting such things are ordered to throw yourselves into the nearest bottomless pit…NOW!
Some of you have even whispered about Zim having a romance with his malfunctioning SIR, or as he calls it, “GIR” unit. Are you serious? The SIR units are weapons of awesome destruction that also serve to keep foodstuffs hot and/or cold. To suggest that one would be used to fill some non-existent void of “love” should be grounds for treason! MARCH YOURSELVES TO THE NEAREST TEST FIRING RANGE! On second thought, DON’T, as you’ll probably believe that the lasers are just trying to hug you, thus making the experience less terrifying for you and less entertaining for me.
I could go on and on with the disgusting possibilities…Zim and Tak romances? What sort of madness is this?! The closest thing to an Irken “mating ritual” is the “Great Smeet Stomping,” which as you know involves the act of many Irkens applying their boots to thousands of smeets in an attempt to see which ones are worthy enough to continue their pathetic, useless life cycles. Does this sound “romantic” to you? If you answered, “yes,” disregard my previous non-order about the lasers. They DO want to hug you. Really.
Perhaps the most loathsome “romance” that has been discussed is one between Zim and Dib. Zim and Dib are ENEMIES! Since when do Irkens “make nice” with their enemies?! I suppose that if we offered to take the Slaughtering Rat People of Planet Blorch out to a movie, they would no longer want to eat our faces in a slow and painful manner, right? I encourage anyone who thinks this would work to try it, and then report back to me with your findings…which will most likely be in sign language, as I do not expect you to return with a head. The Irken people pride ourselves on our ability to squish those who oppose us, like tiny little bugs made of putty and goo. PUTTY AND
GOO, I SAY! Zim may be a moron, but he still possesses the overzealous desire
to crush mankind; because of this, a “romance” with the big-headed Dib child is
simply too ridiculous to fathom.
Hyuuumans, and all other non-Irken life forms, are trash and filth that are only useful for cleaning the sludge pits of Sludgetopia 9 and, on occasion, delivering packages in a speedy and convenient manner. An Irken Invader, even one who isn’t actually an Invader but is delusional enough to THINK he is, would NEVER lower himself to such a disgusting level by engaging in acts of “love.” AH, the word itself is causing my squeedly spooch to vibrate in a most unpleasant manner! UNPLEASANT, I TELL YOU!
It is all too much to continue thinking about. I must now attend to other matters that do not involve envisioning the destruction of you all…just of some of you. Invader Stick, out.
[Encrypted Transmission Ended]