Originator: Invader Stick
PAK Code: 061<scrambled>42
Subject: More Announcements to the Armada
To the World-Conquering Irken Armada:
Below you will find this week’s Announcements of Interest to the Fleet. The line-cutter still has not recovered from his burns, meaning that his task of disseminating these announcements continues to be my own. The Medical Technicians attending to him have informed me that in addition to his injuries, he is also suffering from violent fits of night terrors and is attempting to gnaw off his right hand. Such news fills me with equal amounts of pride and satisfaction.
On to the Announcements:
- The brand new Voot Cruiser XJS Edition is now being sold at various locations throughout the galaxy. In addition to the standard equipment offered on regular Voot Cruisers, the XJS model offers such luxuries as an advanced Galactic Navigation System (GNS), a Gatling Laser weapon mounted on top of the vessel, twice the armor of a regular Voot Cruiser, and a microwave installed on the dashboard so that you may make some popcorn as you witness the glory of your Galactic Conquest efforts come to fruition (note: popcorn is sold separately).
- All Invaders are reminded that the thermos function on all SIR units is only intended for the storing of foodstuffs and drinks. Objects such as beehives, live animals, radioactive isotopes, and other such objects are not permitted to be stored in the SIR units. Consult your owner’s manual if you have further questions.
- The military training complex on Hobo 13 is not accepting new applicants at this time. Those who continue to apply are directed to break their wrists immediately to prevent themselves from filling out more applications.
- All ships in the Armada are urged to be on the lookout for an old Vort ship. This ship has been found to carry members of a rebellious group of aliens who call themselves “The Resisty.” If any Armada ships encounter this vessel, they are urged to remind these rebels that they picked a stupid name for their group, and to then blow them up immediately. The ship that successfully completes this task will receive a coupon for 50% off their next meal at Shloogorgh’s Flavor Monster restaurant on Planet Foodcourtia.
- Planet Amusementia, the brand new amusement park planet, will open for business in one week. The first 1,000 visitors on Opening Day will receive Almighty Tallest commemorative dinner plates.
- Those Irkens scheduled for their next Existence Evaluation are ordered to report to Planet Judgementia at the end of next month. Failure to show up on time, or failure to show up at all, will result in you automatically being labeled as a “Defective” and then being forced to watch endless hours of infomercials urging you to buy useless junk until you go insane and gouge out your own eyeballs. Oh yeah, and then you’ll be wiped from all of Irken memory and deactivated.
Thus concludes this week’s Announcements of Interest. I must now go and attend to another matter at hand that may or may not involve me electrocuting some slaves and laughing at their pain. Invader Stick, out.
[Encrypted Transmission Ended]