Originator: Invader Stick
PAK Code: 061<scrambled>42
Subject: Winning Valeentines
To the Galaxy-Spanning Irken Empire,
The “Valeentines Day” contest I spoke of in my last transmission has ended, and the winners have been decided. If your entry was not among the top four, it is probably because you are an illiterate buffoon whose legibility borders on that of an eight-month-old Earthling worm-baby. For those whose entries were among the top four, you are to be congratulated on barely exceeding expectations that were already so low that we had to rip out the floor so we could move the bar to the appropriate level.
Below are the winning entries for all to see. To the authors of these “Valeentines,” I have put in a request to the Control Brains for your Existence Evaluations to be moved up to an earlier date due to your entries’ mushy and barf-inducing content. A much earlier date. As in, you should probably start packing now.
FIRST PLACE AND GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
Dear Almighty Tallest Red,
I understand that Irkens feeling this uncommon emotion called “love” is ridiculous. No Irken has ever felt something even close to that. Certainly not an Irken Elite, such as myself, would be such a defect that they would feel things like “affection.”
But I have. I am sorry to say that such emotions have made their way into my thoughts.
And it’s even more unfortunate to say that those feelings are for none other than you, my tallest. It still seems abnormal that I would fall for someone like you. While you and the other Tallest are stuffing your faces with snacks, launching uncooperative Irkens out of airlocks, and ordering me around to do what you desire, I can’t help but to gaze up into your eyes in wonder.
Your eyes, for some reason, seem to sparkle much brighter than the stars I see every evening when I gaze out my window, thinking of you.
Red has always been my favorite color.
Red is the color of love.
Red is the color of death.
Red is the color of the fire that burns in my heart. The fire that burns for you.
Even when we were just smeets, sitting in that room for about 10 years, I was still staring at you with a blush on my face and a dreamy look in my eyes even though I knew that those feelings were wrong even then. But I still felt them no matter how hard I tried to resist.
I understand you in a way that nobody else does. I see the beauty inside your squeedily-spooch that no Irken has ever dared to reveal. I see something deeper in that charming smile on your face. Hidden behind that unceasing hunger for power (and snacks), I see an emotion that I can’t even comprehend. I surely don’t mean to upset you, My Tallest, for I am just a pathetic, pitiful little Irken that has gone head over heels in love.
Occasionally I have trouble understanding these emotions. When you’re up in front of the Irken Empire, speaking to us, I have to close my eyes and listen to your sweet voice. When I hear it, I feel like I’m floating. And when you look at me, I feel like I’m going to pass out. It’s tremendously unclear, and because only hyuuumans can only actually feel love, I have trouble finding out more about it and knowing why these feelings originated.
But I figured that this “Valeentine’s day” was the best opportunity to confess my feelings for you. I don’t know if you’ll reply back, and it’s fine if you don’t, but how else was I supposed to get my feelings out?
I love you. Happy Valeentine’s day, My Tallest.
Love, Irken Elite Jean
SECOND PLACE WINNER:
Three years ago I made the decision to accept a position in the Bureau of Alien Activity. It’s a well-kept secret that this organization even exists, but as the Bureau works closely with Swollen Eyeball, you, I don’t doubt, have been aware of it for quite some time.
I worked in the primary research division up until eighteen months ago, when I received my first field assignment. Mission? The investigation of a recent spike in alien activity. Target? Zim. Oh yes, we know about Zim. From my months of research we know as much about him as you yourself do. However, when he landed in your city he brought with him a device, stored in his PAK, that effectively depresses intelligent thought in his vicinity. This is why no one, besides you, realized who he was, and what he’d come to do.
This presented a problem. Without witnesses we were virtually powerless. We had no grounds to obtain a search warrant. Even Child Protective Services had fallen under Zim’s spell, and were completely unwilling to look into his case. Our hands were tied.
My superiors were on the verge of contracting a Russian assassin when I realized we had one more hope, a hope so unlikely that no one had taken it seriously. One person was left, one who knew the truth.
It was then that I turned my attention away from Zim, and began focusing it on you, Dib Membrane. You, who had the power and courage to withstand numerous alien attacks, to confront the forces of evil, while the forces of good (or stupidity, depending on who you’re referencing) did nothing but mock your efforts. You, who have stood in the gap between humanity and destruction countless times. No matter how dim-witted and dense those around you have been, you’ve never abandoned them. Not permanently, anyway.
I am sending this missive to you now, on this fourteenth of February two-thousand twelve, because it has come to my attention that you are on the verge of resignation from your strenuous position, that you are, as a gleeful communiqué from Zim that we intercepted and decoded, going to(quote) “ Send earth to Zim in a breadbasket of doom.” (end quote)
Of all the people on earth, I am the most qualified to speak to you on this topic. How is it, then, that words escape me? You see, before my early recruitment by the Bureau, I was just like you—alone, standing between my race and certain devastation, receiving no encouragement, but only ridicule. It was only by the kind words of one of the Bureau’s surveillance agents that the town of Obtuse Noggin was saved from annihilation by Splornov forces.
And so I send you this correspondence today in the hopes that you will take heart and reconsider your delicate position. Only through my great faith in your confidentiality can I reveal that the only reason the government hasn’t stepped in before now is because the government cannot improve upon the situation. Simply put, you’re doing everything, short of Russian assassins, that we could do, and, in my personal opinion, doing it better. In all my time with the Super-Terrestrial And Alien Location Committee (STAALC) branch of the Bureau, I’ve never seen anyone with more competence or effectiveness in their defense of human life.
You are one-of-a-kind in the best possible way, and, although I am not permitted to give you my name, know that there is one who admires your work. Who admires your endurance. Who admires you. Continue on in the knowledge that you are not alone, and that, should you ever be in over your head (which I seriously doubt), I stand at the ready to assist you.
An Empathetic Colleague
(=fr0m th3 3ncrypt3d f1l3s 0f STAALC ag3nt #0056491^ f0rward3d t0 s3cur3 c0mput3r^unkn0wn c1ty=0n3 DIB MEMBRANE))
THIRD PLACE WINNER:
To my dearest Invader Zim,
I take my pen this evening
To confess, in my own way
My feelings for you; please, shut up
And let me have my say
This sickly, gooey holiday
Of hearts and flower wreaths
Of chocolates and of Cupids–
February the fourteenth!
Yes, today is Valentine’s Day
Sweet cards in pink and red
That I was too cheap to buy you;
So you get this crap instead.
From the moment I first saw you
I knew we were meant to be
Despite never having met you
And the fact you’re two-foot-three
Your eyes, Zim, mesmorize me
I can never look away
I say green skin is sexy
As are twitchy antennae
Loyal, fearless, and persistant
Even–if I may–inspired
You’ll keep plotting Earth’s destruction
Though your plans have all backfired
Happy love-pig day to you!
There, I said it. Now be mine
Kudos to the Invader
Who no other can outshine!
So if you get discouraged
(And I’m sure you sometimes do)
Remember you have someone
Who will always root for you.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Zim! (Or, as I prefer to call you…Zimmikins )
FOURTH PLACE WINNER:
Out of all the people who left my side, and deserted me, and never came back, you are the one who refused to go. You visit every teenager, and no matter how much humiliation and shame you put them through, you never leave them. You stick to your cycles and keep staying with us.
You are indestructible, neither cleansing chalk nor bacon could make you go away, and the more you cling to us, the bigger you get, and the more obsessed people become with you. You are the object of my unsurpassed worship.
Your power is hypnotizing, your hypnosis makes everyone else forget who they are and what they are doing around you. They find you beautiful, they love you. They do anything you wish, whatever pleases you. its like your power takes away our free will, we cannot resist staring into your face. I bet a million people have wanted to hold your little hand.
We tell you all of our secrets, and you stay by our side as long as you can. Your hypnosis is a gift of which no power could destroy, not even acne blast. We thank you for allowing us to use your hypnosis to gather secrets and infiltrate our arch enemies. We thank you, Pustoolio, for not leaving us until you explode.
This concludes the posting of the winning entries. I am off to find an incinerator large enough to burn all of the entries that were received, as well as the authors themselves. At the same time. Normally I would have just launched you all into the nearest sun, but recent budget cuts have forced me to use less efficient methods. Invader Stick, out.
[Encrypted Transmission Ended]