Originator: Invader Stick
PAK Code: 061<scrambled>42
To the Great and Powerful Irken Armada:
Since the Irken Defective known as “Zim” landed on the planet called “Earth” and proceeded to annoy the Almighty Tallest with his blathering transmissions, much has been discovered about the “hyuuumans” that inhabit that wretched space rock. One of the more significant traditions in their worthless culture, which they refer to as “Crismoose,” has been adopted in a modified form by some Irkens. As this practice has continued to grow and receive attention amongst the denizens of the mighty Armada, I have been instructed by the Tallest to provide some guidance and background on the procedures associated with this “holeeday.”
For those who are not familiar with Crismoose, it is a hyuuuman event where a fat, bearded, red-clothed being infiltrates the dwellings of people in the midst of night and bestows upon them gifts of various shapes and sizes that are wrapped in colorful and glittery paper. While no such fat, bearded red-man exists in our glorious culture, some Irkens have nevertheless adopted the practice of giving themselves, and others, gifts during this time that may reflect the individual’s worth and status. In general, the taller the Irken, the better the gift they receive.
While the choice of gift is ultimately up to the Irken giving it, below are some suggestions I have for those who may be stumped on what to purchase for someone during Crismoose:
- Food Service Drones love grease, so giving them a big vat of boiling hot grease would be an appropriate gift. Dumping the grease on them is optional, but highly recommended.
- Table-headed Service Drones would benefit from the gift of a bigger and wider table to place on their head, so that they can fit more refreshments on it at one time. This is especially recommended for those Drones who always seem to reach you just as they have given away the last drink to someone else; a bigger table with more refreshments would not only prevent the Drone from running out before they get to you, but would also prevent the savage beating they would receive from you because of the offense.
- The Almighty Tallest should receive snacks. Lots and lots of snacks.
- Invaders are a more difficult class of Irken to give a gift to, given the demands of their assignments. However, one can never go wrong with giving them a new Voot Cruiser XJS Edition, complete with an advanced Galactic Navigation System (GNS), a Gatling Laser weapon mounted on top of the vessel, twice the armor of a regular Voot Cruiser, and a microwave installed on the dashboard to make popcorn. Buying the popcorn along with the Cruiser is also highly recommended, as it does not come with any and may make the recipient of your gift violently upset if he or she does not have any popcorn for the microwave.
- While other inferior alien races are not worthy to receive a gift, those of you who tend to slaves may benefit from a gift of your own. A brand new high-voltage shocking stick or a longer whip may bring you added joy and amusement this Crismoose season as you find that the upgraded items cause more pain and suffering to those under you.
Finally, some of you may wonder what it is that I, Invader Stick, may want for this Crismoose. The only gift worthy of my gloriousness would be a large statue of me, made in my honor, which bears an inscription detailing my many accomplishments and extols the greatness of my genius and skill. Make sure you get my eyes right—if you mess up my eyes on the statue, I will ensure that doom and pain will rain down upon you!
With that, this transmission is concluded. Merry Crismoose, you filthy, rotten meatbags of goo!
[Encrypted Transmission Ended]