Originator: Invader Stick
PAK Code: 061<scrambled>42
Subject: Valeentines Day
To the Loyal Inhabitants of the Irken Empire,
With each planet we successfully conquer, we bring the native inhabitants of those planets under our rule. These new species bring with them many of their own cultures and customs that, while petty and insignificant in the grand scheme of our own glorious civilization, are nevertheless occasionally intriguing to study. One such custom is the holiday known in the hyuuuman species as “Valeentines Day.”
Hyuuumans have a complicated and inferior range of emotions compared to Irkens. Whereas we possess only those emotions necessary for galactic conquest and war, hyuuumans possess feelings of “love” and “affection” for one another that help them to breed and, thus, aid in the continuation of their pathetic civilization. One manifestation of this “love” is the celebration of a holiday called “Valeentines Day,” in which hyuuumans exchange chocolates and letters as a token of their affection to an individual they are attracted to. It is, in a word, sickening. My squeedly spooch trembles in a most unpleasant matter when I think about it!
Still, the practice of this “letter exchanging” has caught the interest of our Almighty Tallest, and in an effort to better understand why these hyuuumans do it, it has been decided that we must do it ourselves. Therefore, beginning immediately, our Tallest have decreed that a “Valeentine Letter-Writing Contest” shall henceforth commence in the Empire!
The rules to this contest, as determined by The Almighty Tallest, are as follows:
1. The letter must address any character (of your choice) that has appeared in “Invader” Zim’s galactic transmissions.*
2. One person can submit up to TWO entries each to different characters, but only ONE entry can win.
3. All entries must be submitted to the “Irken Postmaster,” whose contact information can be found here: http://s4.zetaboards.com/Soapy_Waffles/profile/3779741/
4. Do not include anything explicit. This will result in immediate disqualification.
5. Plagiarism will not be tolerated! The letter MUST be written and submitted by the same person.
6. Only those located in the U.S. (with a physical address) can be eligible to win the first prize.
7. Entries must be submitted electronically. No handwritten entries will be accepted.
8. There is no age limit, but if you’re under 13, make sure you get your parents’ and/or legal guardian’s permission to enter.
9. There is no limit to how long/short your written entry has to be.
10. THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMITTING ENTRIES IS FEBRUARY 20th, 2012!
*Out-of-character note: Obviously, I mean the Invader Zim cartoon series.
The grand-prize winner of this contest will receive a hand-written letter from the character they wrote to. The contents of this letter will obviously be in response to what you wrote to them. In addition, three runner-ups will receive similar responses, but in digital form—rather than hand-written form.
I understand that because this concept of “Valeentine Letters” is so foreign to our majestic Irken Culture, many of you will not know how to write one. I have foreseen this obstacle, and have therefore prepared an example letter so that you all will have an idea of how they should be written. My example letter can be found below:
Dear Cold Unfeeling Robot Arm,
It has been many Irken years since you first picked me up from inside of the Smeet Factory. My eyes had been open for no more than a minute, and the universe was new to me. The sounds, the smells, the sights…the very air held within it a feeling of sterilized cleanliness that I can still remember to this day. Of course, that is not the most significant thing I remember. That, Cold Unfeeling Robot Arm, would be you.
As you held me several feet above the air as I was being filled with the whole of Irken Knowledge, I could not help but gaze upon your visage. You did not judge, you did not speak, you did not feel—you existed but for a single purpose, to help usher in the next generation of Smeets that would one day fuel the engine of the Irken Empire. I could identify with this, for I, too, existed for one purpose—to become the greatest Invader of all time. Even then, young as I was, I knew this was the task I must complete, and if not for your care in those first few moments of my life, I would have never achieved it.
We Irkens are designed to feel no feelings of “love” or “compassion.” We are beings of conquest, and conquest does not lend itself to such trivial emotions. Yet if there is any being in the universe that could bring me to feel such things, it would be you, Cold Unfeeling Robot Arm. You may just be a mechanical limb designed by engineers as part of a larger machine, but even so you are still a very important part of my life and what I was destined to become.
Sometimes, as I gaze upon the vast expanse of stars in the sky, I think of you and where you may be now. Are you still lifting Smeets in the bowels of the factory? Or have you been promoted to a higher purpose, perhaps having been smelted down and re-built as part of a Megadoomer war machine that is helping to stomp the lesser races of the universe marked for conquest? Or have you been retired, and are now a discarded piece of metal located somewhere within the pile of junk on Planet Scrapyardia? I hope not, Cold Unfeeling Robot Arm…I hope you are still doing something of worth for our glorious Empire. You deserve no less for your efforts in service to our Tallest.
I must end this letter now, as I have pressing matters to attend to. Just know that I will never forget you, Cold Unfeeling Robot Arm. When they write the story—no, the LEGEND—of my life, I will be sure they give you the credit and glory that you deserve for your part in it.
Your Greatest Smeet,
Now that you have the contest rules, as well as a masterfully-crafted example to go off of, you are all commanded to begin your entries right away. Those of you who do NOT participate will be forced to do combat with the giant mutant mongoose in the gladiator arena on Planet Combatia. You have been warned! Invader Stick, out.
[Encrypted Transmission Ended]